10 Lists I Love (None of Which Has Anything to Do With Groceries or Buckets)

If this isn't your first time stopping by Guilty Chocoholic Mama, you've probably figured out that I'm a big fan of list and that most of my posts are lists. (Also: thank you so much for coming back!) 

In fact, if I had to rename this blog, I'd probably call it "I've Got to Make a List."

In the interest of reusing, re-purposing, and recycling, I've put together this list of lists. Okay, fine: this is actually total self-indulgence. Up to this point, these are some of my favorite posts in full-on list form. But it's also time management: I've got a high school graduation party to throw, and that list is titled "101 Things You Absolutely Must Do Before June 23rd and Honey, There is No Way You're Going to Get to All of These." 

Self-indulgence aside, I'd love it if something here somehow made your day a little bit better--if only by giving you a "me, too/I'm not the only one" moment. Which, when it comes down to it, is really item #1 on a theoretical list of why I have a blog in the first place.

1. 20 Classes Moms Would Take If Motherhood Was a PhD Program. Stain identification and removal, maybe? Or how about math for moms?

2. 10 Things I Don't Wish I'd Done Differently as a Mom, Parts 1 & 2. Oh, mama, believe me: I've got plenty of things I DO wish I'd done differently. (Two words: potty training.) But here are a few things I'm grateful to say I wouldn't change, even if God did offer me a maternal do-over.

3. You Might Be the Mom of a Tween Girl If.... "You have accepted that life runs more smoothly if 'it' is clean. Whatever 'it' is." For example.

4. 5 Ways to Feed Your Child's Faith (Without Preaching at Them). My husband and I are far from being the wisest parents ever to be sent home from the hospital with a baby, a bill, a birth certificate, and best wishes for our utterly changed lives. But we've tried to feed our girls' faith, and so we've learned a few things about what's worked for us...and what might work for you, too, while you lead your children along the way home.

5. Dear Children: 25 Things I Think You Need to Know. Some practical (hand sanitizer will get ink and Christmas tree sap off your hands), some preachable (as often as possible, try to "disrupt the world with grace"). 

6. 7 Reasons I Love Being the Mom of a Teenager. Among other things no one ever tells you, having a responsible teen driver on hand is the best thing ever. 

7. Four Kitchen Tool Must-Haves, Plus One I Just Really Like. Don't even talk to me about life without my batter bowl. 

8. These Are a Few of My New Favorite Things. With bonus "how I met Julie Andrews (yes, that Julie Andrews)" story!

9. Chocolate-Covered Popcorn...and 5 Other Habits of a (Mostly) Happy Family. One day, I asked my children a Very Important Question: "do you think we have a happy family?" Here's what they said and why I think they said it.

10. My Top 5 Mom Lessons (So Far). I've been a mom for more than 18 years now, and I'm not sure I could have learned these life lessons any other way.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *  

Bonus round...or, rather, a roundup of lists from some of my favorite bloggers. These ladies are hilarious and encouraging and you need them--and these practical, purposeful lists--in your life.

• 6 Easy Meals You Should Add to Your Freezer, by Jennifer at Chaos2Peace.
  
   
• 10 Ways to Make Nursery Rhymes More Fun, by Lisa at Syncopated Mama.
  
• The Bedtime Hoops: 4 Important Questions to Ask Your Kids Every Night, by Christine at Real Life Families.
  
• 10 Prayers to Pray for Your Daughter, by Tracey at Girls to Grow.
  

• How to Raise Children to Love Their Siblings, by Ruthie at Rear, Release, Regroup.
  

• Pampered Chef--My Top-Ten (+ One) Favorite Products, by Sue at Welcome Heart.
  

• 36 Crazy Things We've Done to Escape Being in Debt, by Jamie at Medium Sized Family.
  
• Encouraging Songs for Your Playlist, by Pat at Pat And Candy.
  

Thank you so much for stopping by. 

You're on my list of "people I may not have met but am really, really grateful for."

**This post may have been shared at some of these blog parties.**

Ten Things You Can Never Have Too Much or Too Many Of

 

There are a few things I can't imagine needing another one of...ever. 

Mugs, for instance. Hot chocolate, hot tea, life-sustaining coffee-flavored creamer: I have vessels for all of these. All at once. With several in the dishwasher, awaiting a run cycle. Even if we have guests. 

I'm also good to go on lice outbreaks, having done three. (Which was four too many.) 

And decorative scarves. For every mood, outfit, meteorological condition, and neckline, I. Am. Set. 

On the other hand, here are a few things I've always got room in my kitchen or closet or desk drawer or life for.

1. Friends who know what you're really like...but like you anyway. People in my life who fit this description, you know who you are. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Also, thank you.

2. Chocolate chip cookie recipes. Once you find a classic recipe you like and can rely on for emotional rehab when your family has a rotten day, you stick with it. But there's always some new variation out there that just might change your life, and really--do you want to miss it? Here's my favorite, one-stop-shopping collection to get you started. 

3. Caramelized onions. Every time I make a batch of these (usually for the caramelized onion, spinach, sausage, and Parmesan pizza my husband and I slightly addicted to), I look at the huge pile of raw rings in the pan and think, "We'll never need all these." Then, half an hour later, when I'm staring at the two tablespoons of finished product, I think, "Why didn't I make more?" (Need a lesson/recipe? Start here.)

4. Rolls of tape that have ends you can find. Re: "they can put a man on the moon...."

5. Staplers that actually work. And by "work," I mean they actually staple (gasp) on the first try and do not cause me to yell, "WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THIS STUPID THING???!!!!" before throwing it against the wall. For example.

6. Outfits that fit any time of the month that you feel good in that don't wrinkle or bunch up or show stains or require that belt you used to have but haven't seen in three years. 

7. Music that inspires, motivates, soothes, heals, helps, guides, and comforts. Some of my favorites (a VERY incomplete list):

Aaron Copeland's "Hoe Down" from Rodeo

Kristene DiMarco/Bethel Music's "It is Well"

Audio Machine's Tree of Life

Elevation Worship's "Call Upon the Lord"

Mercy Me's "Even If"

Toby Mac's "Move"

"The Great Day" from The Story

8. Love that comes anywhere close to the 1 Corinthians 13 standard. Or even tries to on a regular basis.

9. Working batteries. I would love to know what it's like to have too many of these in my house. In fact, usually, I'd just like to know what it's like to have any at all.

10. Faith. Life is hard--for now. But God is good and great--forever.

What's missing from this list? I'd love to have you add it on in a comment or over on Facebook. And if you've got a make and model for #5, will you please, please let me know about it? My walls are thanking you already.

This post may have been shared at some of these link parties.
Photo credit: Sanja Gjenero, www.rgbstock.com/gallery/lusi.

10 Mom Things I've Said A Lot More Than 10 Times

"Elizabeth. When someone pays you a compliment, they are not looking for a discussion. Just say, 'Thank you.'"

This bit of wisdom is one of many things my wonderful mom said to me more than a few times when I was growing up.

Moms say the same things over and over for two reasons: 

1. Those things are true. 
2. We are too tired to come up with new material all the time. 

Which got me to thinking about the mom standbys I've been known to say with some, er, frequency.

1. Well, it's got to be somewhere. I feel like I've spent the last 17 years looking for lost stuff. At least once a day, I tell my girls that whatever they can't find "has got to be somewhere." Because it has. Now in the case of, say, my high schooler's lost cell phone, we still haven't figured out where "somewhere" is, but the phone IS somewhere. It might be a trash heap or it might be smashed in a parking lot or it might be in some mystery spot in her room we haven't though to check, but it IS somewhere. Whatever is lost IS still in existence somewhere. It didn't vaporize, for crying out loud. And I don't mean to brag, but no one in this house is better at figuring out where somewhere is than me. My daughters don't call me "Sleuth Mommy" for nothing. Most recent Sleuth Mommy score: my daughter's lost purity ring. Which was somewhere, as it turned out. Namely, under her dresser. All of which is to say that I'll have to take issue with Tim Hawkins as seen in this video clip. Tim, I love you, but don't call me Captain Obvious. Call me Sleuth Mommy.

2. It will be okay. It will. I have two teenagers, and they're both hormone-ridden girls, so I employ this phrase A LOT. And it's true. Whatever "it" is, it will usually be okay. Someday. Probably soon. In heaven if not before. It's the stuff that might not be okay until heaven that's tough to stomach.

3. Just do your best. And by "best," I mean best under a given set of circumstances, on a given day. Under other circumstances on another day, best might look better than it does right now. But just do it. That's all I ask.

4. Do you need a snack? Once I figured out I was going to have girls and only girls, I started talking to moms of boys and asking if I could rent their teenage sons to feed. Because I love to bake and feed people, and teenage boys are notorious for wanting to eat. Once my girls got older, though, I retracted my offer because as it turns out, my teen girls eat plenty, thank you very much. Which THRILLS me. But their healthy appetites do mean I spend a lot of time coming up with snacks-of-redeeming-nutritional-value that can be eaten on the run, in the car, en route to dance, before a track meet, etc. And in case you're wondering, the answer to "do you need a snack?" is almost always "yes" (insert tones of semi-starvation).

5. Are you listening to me? By which I do not mean, "Are the sounds coming out of my mouth being received by your auditory senses?" By which I do mean, "Are you paying attention to what I am telling you and, more to the point, do you have any intention of actually acting on what I'm saying?"

6. Did you put it in the laundry? Usually said in response to "is such-and-such clean???!!!" shouted from the top of the stairs at 6:08 a.m. on a school morning. Usually a Monday morning.

7. Be careful and pay attention. I have a teenage driver. I say this frequently. And then I pray. 

8. I'm so proud of you. Not just of what my girls have done, but of the effort they've put into the doing. And not just of who my girls are but of who they are becoming.

9. Don't forget to ___________. Brush your teeth. Find out what time the birthday party starts. Turn in your permission slip. Take your vitamin. Look in the bottom of your locker for that missing library book. Give me the shirt you want washed (see #6). Text your mother when you get there. 
Et al. Ad infinitum.

10. I love you. The end. And the beginning. And lots of points in between.

I'll leave it to the brilliant Anita Renfroe to cover all the rest of the things moms say on a daily basis...and she'll do it in 3 minutes and 24 seconds flat. Watch this video, then leave a comment or hop over to Facebook, and let me know what mom thing you've said more than a few times (even if it's something you'd be perfectly happy never to have to say again).

**This post may have been shared at some of these blog bashes.**

10 Signs You Are Mom-Level Tired

I've never played Candy Crush on Facebook (or anyplace else, for that matter).

I understand this could be somewhere between amusing and bewildering. But the absence of Candy Crush in my personal history is not some sort of moral stance; it's just that if I have free time, I'd rather take a nap. And there are lots of other things most people have done that I've never dipped a toe into.(Working title for that post: "Stuff Most Other People Have Done That I Haven't.")

Anyway. From the little I know about this game, I gather there are numerous "levels" of achievement. Which made me think about levels of sleep deprivation and how mom-level exhaustion is equivalent to something along the lines of level 1500+ in Candy Crush? 

As moms, we might not all play Candy Crush, but we are all tired. To confirm that you have, in fact, reached mom-level exhaustion, check yourself against these tell-tale signs.

1. You open the microwave to get something out of the toaster. 

2. You brew a cup of coffee in your Keurig without putting a cup on the drip tray. Which is how you figure out that the smart people at Keurig designed the drip tray to hold exactly one cup of coffee. Very helpful.

3. When you watch a movie in which any scene is set in a bedroom, you gaze longingly at the bed and think how comfortable and inviting it looks and how you just want to CRAWL INTO IT FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD.

4. When you prepay for gas and the card reader asks "is this a debit card?" you are stymied by the question. Yes? No? Maybe? Really, this is just so confusing.

5. You see this in the checkout lane at the grocery store and immediately think, "Send the children to grandma's." 

6. You throw a load of laundry into the washing machine without even realizing the load you did two days ago but never transferred to the dryer is still in there.

7. You frequently have a thought that goes something like this (often while standing, bewildered, in your pantry): 

8. While making breakfast, you ask your daughter if she wants fruit or a spoon to go with her fork.

9. Your Mother's Day wish list looks like this:

10. You have no trouble whatsoever understanding why the most-viewed post I've ever put up was called "8 Ways to Fight Mom Exhaustion (Other Than Actually Getting More Sleep)."

11. You put 11 items on a 10-item list. (As long as you're here, though, I'l give you one more: you dream of nothing so much as a solid night's sleep.)

I promise it does get better, mamas. Teenage sleep is a THING, and it's fabulous for the teenager's mom, too. But in the meantime, what level of mom-tired are you at these days? If you're not so exhausted you can't even stand to answer the question, go ahead and share in a comment or on Facebook. And just know that scores of mom are nodding blearily in agreement.


**This post may have been shared at some of these blog bashes.**

Four Reasons Moms Are Nuts

One of my favorite things about blogging is that it sometimes hands me a "me, too" moment.

As in, "Wow, I'm not the only person who can't stand it when the kitchen towel hems don't line up?!" (Yes, my friend Lisa the Syncopated Mama and I know this is a little Sleeping With the Enemy-ish, but it's how we are.)

Or, "Thank goodness there's someone else out there who hates working out and mopping but loves brownies."

The latter "me, too" moment happened when I met Christine the "Real Mom," and now you can have one of those moments, too, because Christine has graciously put together this guest post. Check out her wit and wisdom, and then make up a big ol' pan of her Peanut Buster Parfait Dessert. 

What's that? You want a piece RIGHT NOW? Me, too.

Ok, moms. Let’s admit it. We are all nuts. Seriously: certifiably off-our-rockers crazy. Let me tell you why…

1. We sign up for pregnancy. Did we not think this all the way through? Morning sickness, swollen feet, swollen legs (oh, who am I kidding—swollen EVERYTHING!), giant belly, food aversions, stretch marks, varicose veins. And how the baby comes out?? Oh dear. We really didn’t think this thing through. And yet, we willingly do what it takes for this to happen to us. Nuts.

2. We work for free. Who else would willingly do what we do?  Motherhood is a full-time job and yet we don’t get paid a dime to do it. Not. One. Dime.  Not even a penny. And yet, day-in and day-out, we cook, we clean, we do laundry, we pay bills, we sweep, we claim to mop (but who really does that anymore?), we change diapers, we get spit up on, and we view showering and going to the bathroom by ourselves as terrific feats for the day. And some of us do all of this on top of another job. Totally nuts.

3. We give and we give and we give and we expect little in return. Do you know anyone more selfless than a mom? So much of our time and energy goes into being a mom that we barely have time for ourselves. We give so much of our time caring for the basic needs of our children (which we don’t get paid for), but we also give our love and compassion and life lessons and kindness and honesty and integrity and security and value and empathy and sympathy and patience. We give our whole hearts to our kids. And we do it willingly and without pay and sometimes without any appreciation…and often with a smile on our faces. Completely nuts.

4. We would do it all over again. Ok, so I’m not this money-hungry-motherhood-is-horrible-why-do-we-give-give-give mom at all. I went through five years of infertility before I became a mom, so motherhood is a very special gift to me. But it’s pretty funny that we willingly put our bodies through the ringer. We give so much of who we are into raising a new generation of human beings. We don’t get paid even a dull penny for anything we do, and yet, we would do it all over again. None of these things seem to stop us. I know…I’ve done it three times myself. And I seem to get crazier and more nuts with each kid, too. No pregnancy woes, no birth process, no lack of pay, and no give-until-you’re-exhausted factor seems to stop us. Hmmmmmmm. The only explanation? We are all absolutely nuts.

That’s right. We are all nuts, moms.

Nuts about our kids.
 

Crazy in love with being their mom.
 

Certifiably off-our-rockers on fire for being the best moms God created us to be.
 

Let’s never apologize for how nuts we are. We’re all in this together!
 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to celebrate my craziness with the best Peanut Buster Parfait Dessert in the world and eat it alone…in my closet…hiding from my kids…whom I love dearly…with extra chocolate sauce and, of course, nuts on top.

Peanut Buster Parfait Dessert {print}

1 (12 ounce) can evaporated milk

2/3 cups or more chocolate chips (But who really needs to measure? Who’s ever heard of too much chocolate? Just pour them in!)

1/2 cup butter

2 cups powdered sugar

1 tsp vanilla

1 package sandwich cookies (Oreos)

1/2 cup melted butter

1/2 gallon vanilla ice cream

1 1/2 cups (or more) Spanish peanuts

1. Crush cookies (I use a potato masher) in a 9 x 13 pan. Add 1/2 cup melted butter. Stir well with a fork and press into the pan. Put in freezer while you make the chocolate sauce.

2. In a sauce pan, combine evaporated milk, 1/2 cup butter, chocolate chips and powdered sugar. Bring to a boil. **Get ice cream out now and let it thaw a bit** Cook chocolate sauce for 8 minutes, stirring constantly. Then add vanilla. Remove from heat and let stand.

3. Remove cookie crust from freezer. Add a layer of Spanish peanuts and drizzle generously with some chocolate sauce. Spread on softened ice cream.
4. Add another layer of Spanish peanuts and more chocolate sauce. You will have plenty so use as much as desired (or save some to serve warm over the dessert). Freeze for several hours before serving. ENJOY!

Guilty Chocoholic Mama note: I make this version of chocolate sauce, which is similar but lets me save a little butter for my next batch of brownies:

Chocolate Sauce 2
2 cups powdered sugar
4 tablespoons butter
1 (12 ounce) can evaporated milk 
1 1/3 cups chocolate chips
1 teaspoon vanilla

Combine all ingredients except vanilla in a large microwave-safe bowl. Microwave on high power for 3 minutes. Whisk, then microwave on medium-high for 3 minutes. Stir again, and continue cooking on medium-high until the mixture boils enthusiastically and thickens, stirring every couple minutes or so. Now is NOT the time to walk away from your microwave and get sucked into some BuzzFeed quiz about what kind of Pop-Tart you are. Remove from microwave and stir in the vanilla. Cool just enough so you can do quality-assurance testing without burning your tongue. Use as specified in building your dessert; save remaining sauce to warm and spoon over individual pieces of the dessert when you serve it. It's that whole hot/cold, creamy/crunchy, frozen/melty thing that you'll really go nuts for.

CHRISTINE LEEB is known as the “Real Mom." She is a speaker, writer, Christian Life Coach, and the founder of 4Real Moms—an organization encouraging moms to be real while helping them be the best moms God created them to be. She has three beautiful (and exhausting) children and has been married to her husband, Brad, for almost 16 wonderful (and challenging) years.She enjoys garage sale-ing, brownie eating, friendship keeping, book reading, family tickling, and husband dating. She is the author of the devotional In His Light: Facing Fear with Faith, and her newest ebook is Meal-Planning for the Mom Who Hates Meal-Planning. For more encouragement and resources, visit her website at www.4realmoms.com. 

8 Ways to Fight Mom Exhaustion (Other Than Actually Getting More Sleep)

The birth of my nephew--the second child of my brother and sister-in-law--took some time to happen, when it came down to it. 

I talked to my brother shortly after the eventual arrival of his son, and new-dad-second-time-around commented that he and my SIL had racked up some sleep debt waiting for the grand event. 

"He's just been born," my brother said, "and we're already in the hole."

"You are a parent," I told him. "You will NEVER get out of the hole."

I just love (insert dripping sarcasm) articles that advise moms to combat exhaustion by getting more sleep. People, please. We know we need sleep. We know this has to be a priority for our own good and the good of our families. We know there is no substitute for adequate rest. 

But if the care and keeping of the human race depended on moms being well-rested, we'd all have become extinct generations ago. Instead, moms rely on a few time-tested tips and tricks for powering through days in a daze of exhaustion.

Here are eight standbys that have kept me going for almost two decades. 

1. Daylight. Get yourself outside, mama, and look toward the horizon. Don't look directly at the sun, of course, but look to the light and open your eyes wide to let it in. While I do this, I like to say, in my most convincing voice, "I am well-rested and got a great night's sleep!"--in hopes of tricking my brain into coming on board with this line of thinking. 

My Dr. Mom take on this is that natural (outdoor) light travels in through your eyes and gets to work on your brain and your body's circadian rhythms...your personal internal clock. Natural light (as opposed to artificial indoor light) tells your brain and body, "It's time to be awake! Being awake is what is supposed to happen right now! Awake is how you want to be!"

2. Exercise. If you've read the little bio blurb near the top of this page, you know I am the former president of SAG (Students Against Gym) and the LAST person in the world who's going to tell you that a nice 7-mile run is better than any amount of sleep. And I know that using energy to get energy might seem like crazy-talk. But getting yourself moving really does help fight mom exhaustion better than almost anything else, and you don't have to like doing it for it to work. 

I'm not talking about training for a marathon here. I will, in fact, never be talking about training for a marathon here. (If that's your thing, God bless you. It's just not my thing. It couldn't actually be more an unthing to me.) Just move somehow. Do jumping jacks in the living room. Dance with your baby. Go outside and put one foot in front of the other and try to work up to a pace where conversation would be challenging. (Given the sleep debt that got you out there in the first place, conversation might already have been challenging, but you know what I mean.) Tell yourself you'll give it 10 minutes and then you can quit if you want to. 

If you've never gotten in the habit of regular exercise, it will probably take some fits and starts to make it something you don't have to decide about every day. Just keep on keeping on. The habit will come, and it will be worth it. Not only will you feel more alert, but expert-type people are always saying exercise is the surest cure-all for, oh, everything that ails the human race. And remember what I said: you don't have to like doing it for it to work. 

3. Hydration. Here's how I look at it: if you body is not adequately hydrated, it has to work harder to do all the stuff it needs to do. Working harder makes you feel more tired. WHICH is already a problem to begin with. If you're going to have to ask your brain and body to function on less-than-ideal quality and quantity of sleep for, um, EVER, at least water it well. If you want to flavor-up your water without drinking bits and pieces of fruit, try an infuser option like this one. Drink up, mamas. (Okay, you know what I mean.)

4. Coffee (or green tea). I took up coffee when I had my second child and gave up sleeping. In the interest of full disclosure, I do not so much drink coffee as I drink coffee-flavored creamer. For me, coffee is a caffeine delivery system. I know my sugar-free French vanilla creamer is evil, but there are worse kinds of evil, like me without my daily cup of caffeinated comfort. I do have to jump in here with this bit of scientific justification from Chris Kilham, founder of Medicine Hunter, Inc. (www.medicinehunter.com), who says about coffee that "aside from water, it's the healthiest beverage you can drink" (Real Simple magazine, June 2015). Coffee's caffeine plus its antioxidants and magnesium ups heart health, reduces the risk of various cancers and neurodegenerative disorders, and cuts your chances of developing type 2 diabetes. That's all I'm saying. If coffee doesn't work for you, green tea also offers an energy boost with benefits.

5. Peppermint oil. Prized for its powers of invigoration. I'm sure essential oil fans will chime in with options for accessing these powers, but in the meantime, here are a couple things you can pick up next time you run out to the drug store. 

6. Laughter. Being tired is stressful. Laughter reduces and releases stress. It'll come as no surprise to anyone who's read my blog before (thanks, mom!) that I recommend starting with Anita Renfroe and Tim Hawkins.

7. Deep breathing. When your breathing becomes shallow, you end up with "bad air" floating around your system. And when you are chronically exhausted (see "motherhood"), the last thing you need is more bad anything. Force yourself to fully exhale through your mouth, then breathe in slowly through your nose. Hold that breath for a few seconds, then exhale fully again. Bad air out, good air in. I'm not saying this is any kind of substitute for 8 hours of uninterrupted, REM-cycle sleep, but as with hydration, you've got to help your body out as much as you can while you're asking it to work overtime for 18 years straight.

8. Chocolate. If there's a way for me to include chocolate in a list here on Guilty Chocoholic Mama, I'm going to do it. But this is legit: caffeine plus flavonoids plus antioxidants plus mood-enhancing powers. It's your call, of course, but if I'm going to have to give up sleep, I'm going to fill in at least a few of the gaps with extra helpings of my favorite food group.

I'll leave you with this recipe for my favorite "Mama Mocha." It hits chocolate and caffeine and hydration. If I breathe deeply in between sips and drink it while I stand outside looking wide-eyed at the horizon, I just might be able to make it to my next nap.

Mama Mocha:
1 cup milk (from whatever source you prefer: cow, nut, Nigerian dwarf goat...)
sweetener to taste (I use a packet of Stevia)
about a tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
a couple teaspoons (or more) instant coffee granules (sorry, all you French-pressing coffee purists out there)
decorations (whipped cream, chocolate syrup, cinnamon, chocolate chips...if you're that sort of mom, which I am)

Get your milk piping hot. In a mug, mix the rest of the ingredients. Gradually stir in the hot milk, then whip it around with a fork to froth it a little. Decorate if/as desired. 

What are your best energizing tips, mama? 
Share them here in a comment or over on Facebook. 

And someday soon, may a full night's sleep be yours.  

**This post may have been shared at some of these blog bashes.**

How to Be a Mom in 20 Easy Classes

When I was a high school freshman, the guidance department counselors gave our English class a "career assessment" to help us figure out what we wanted to be when we grew up.

According to the assessment--a series of questions like "do you prefer working with people or by yourself?" and "do you enjoy lifting heavy objects?"--I wanted to be a social worker.

Which, given that both my parents were social workers, made sense. 

Until I realized I'm not social and don't work particularly well with people. (I'm not saying this is good, only that I realized it.)

So I went into journalism instead. I've got a bachelor's degree in mass communications, a specialization in journalism, a cognate in literature, and a minor in church music. (Long story.) All of which does me 0.00 percent good on a daily basis. 

On the other hand, getting a PhD in motherhood would have been a brilliant idea--with these core classes figuring heavily into my pre-maternal studies.

1. Sippy cup location techniques. Sure, you can eventually track down a wayward sippy cup via the stink factor, but I would have liked a less stomach-churning option. My brother is some kind of engineer, and I asked him why in the world he couldn't invent a "sippy cup locator chip" to embed in the cups. You'd press a homing button on a keychain clip-on, and the cup would beep until you found it. He made noises about the cost and practicality and other engineery matters and never did take my idea seriously. 

2. Maternal medicine. Is this one of the times I actually do need to haul my child to the doctor and pay the insanely high copay only to be told it's a virus that just has to run its course? Or is this the time for movies and medicating with Popsicles?

3. Stain identification and removal. Hot for oil, cold for blood. Got it. But what about stains of questionable origin and makeup? Is that brown splotch chocolate? I think it's chocolate. Please, let it be chocolate.

4. Sibling conflict negotiation. Never mind world peace. I just want peace at the breakfast table.

5. Sleep deprivation management. Or, how to look and act like a well-rested, functioning adult when your sleep debt makes the national debt look trivial.

6. Cooking for picky eaters. Wherein the kid who loves chicken one night refuses to have anything to do with it the next but you somehow intuited this and already decided to serve grilled-cheese sandwiches.

7. Everyday plumbing. I've got Draino and I've got a snake, and I'm not afraid to use them.

8. Math for moms. If Timmy has two apples and he puts both of them on a train traveling 63.7 miles per hour that leaves Chicago at 9 p.m. Australian Central Time, how long will it take for mommy to run screaming from the room to email the math teacher a strongly worded message about the stress of homework on children and their families?

9. Psychotherapy for hormonal adolescents. Otherwise known as, "It will be okay, honey. How about some homemade chocolate-chip cookies when you get home from school?"

10. The care and funding of orthodontia. Me to my daughter: "I will buy you a pony if you can just decide you're fine with those two weird vampire teeth."

11. Interpretation of eye-rolling. "I'm tired?" "I'm stressed"? "I love my mom like crazy but think I have to act like I don't in order to be a normal middle-schooler"? 

12. Unconditional love as a primary language. To wit: "even though I know you bashed in your bedroom door with a hammer and then covered up the hole with a poster, I still love you and will claim you as my own in public." (Not that you're going to be out in public anytime soon, however, because you are grounded--without Wi-Fi--until further notice.)

13. Tween-speak as a second language. Your 11-year-old: "Mom, that lunch you packed me today was on fleek." You: "Why, thank you, sweetie. I'm glad you liked it and that it really hit the mark." [Hypothetical example only.]

14. How to navigate the school drop-off line and live to tell about it. Really, is there a reason that child in the car ahead of us has to store his ENTIRE LIFE'S POSSESSIONS in the back of the SUV and unload them at the curb???!!!

15. How to fold a fitted sheet in 67 easy steps. Step 68: give up and cram the thing in the linen closet. Follow up with restorative chocolate.

16. School artwork appreciation 101. "Why, of course, my darling, that looks exactly like a cow sliding down a rainbow, and I absolutely do want to hang it in the middle of the living room wall in the spot currently occupied by your father's and my wedding portrait."

17. Multitasking 401. Yes, you can breastfeed a baby while simultaneously making dinner for the rest of the family and texting the school secretary to demur on her request that you head up the elementary fun fair. 

18. Cheap jewelry repair. Tweezers and needle-nosed pliers. That's what I'm talkin' about, baby. Because that little pink plastic necklace your daughter got in her birthday party goodie bag is, at this moment, the most cherished thing she has ever owned.

19. Advanced sleuthing. The rest of the family cannot find [insert any item necessary to the functioning of the entire household] even though they have looked "everywhere." Mom will find it in 0.07 seconds with her eyes half-open (see #5, above).

20. Motherhood as cardiovascular workout. Your heart is swelled up by love for your children. Your heart is crushed by love for your children. Repeat ad infinitum for the rest of your life. Because being a mom is a study in continuing education if ever there was one.

What coursework would you add to this curriculum? 

Share it in a comment or over on Facebook. 

You're already a summa cum laude mom in my book.

Image courtesy of Chris, rgbstock.com.
This post may have been shared at some of these blog bashes.