8 Things Moms of Daughters Have To Look Forward To (Really!)

I am a mom of two daughters and no sons. 

When you are a mom of daughters and no sons, here are two things you hear a lot:

#1: “So, when are you going to try for a boy?”

#2: “They’re cute now, but just wait until they get to be teenagers.”

To #1, I usually responded, “Actually, we’re not going to try for a boy. We’re going to try for a goldfish instead.”

To #2, I usually made some sort of conciliatory “I know” noises while my mind frantically whipped up all possible worst-case scenarios lying in wait for a mom of girls who would eventually hit puberty.

I didn’t particularly look forward to my girls’ older years. But now that I’m camped out in them, I realize something: I should have.

I have one teen daughter and one young-adult daughter, and it is mostly fabulous.

Yes, there is drama. Yes, there are hormones. Yes, there is crying. But enough about me. (Just kidding. Okay, not really.)

And while it is true that I’d be able to get that fancy farmhouse sink I want for my kitchen if I got paid psychotherapist’s fees for the emotional rehab I do after school every day, I’ve discovered that having an older daughter is a joy-ride in the best possible way. Here are eight things I didn't know to look forward to then that I've been loving for a few years now.

1. When you are trying on a mail-order dress the color of a tangerine and you aren’t sure if it makes you look stunning or like an orange sack, you summon your daughter for an assessment. With no prompting or coaching, she takes one look and says, “It makes you look like an orange sack.” So then you know.

2. You have a handy reference guide for the meaning of such phrases as “I've got tea.” (Spill it? Pour it? I can never remember.)

3. When you shop with your daughter, you actually shop. Often in the same department. For clothes you might share.

4. When you are out shopping with your daughter, you may see, for instance, a “performance-gear” hoodie in a gorgeous aqua color that would boost your workout efficacy by at least 50 percent. You comment (within your daughter’s hearing) “I want that” but do not buy it because it is not on sale and you don’t HAVE to have it. The next time your husband takes your daughter out to lunch, she tells him, “We have to go to the store and buy mom a birthday gift. She wants a hoodie. I know exactly which one.”

5. Instead of preschool-era rounds of Princess Memory, et al, you get to play games you would actually choose on your own and which do not make your head explode.

6. You no longer host playdates in your home; now (until your daughter drives herself, anyway) you facilitate hang-outs at the mall. Your daughter and her friends “shop” while you lounge somewhere in their vicinity and drink a fancy coffee drink and read a magazine and do not make eye contact and do not show any sign you know them. All of which they are fine with and, in fact, insist on.

7. You have a chick-in-residence with whom you can watch flicks your husband won’t touch.

8. Your daughter sometimes puts up social media posts about how she loved spending the day at the beach with you and will remember it for a long time. And by the time you have finished reading the post, a decade-plus of motherhood has been 100% worth it.

I’m very aware I’m not “done” raising my girls. Anything could still happen. 

And the beach/movie/mall days when everyone loves and even likes each other are balanced by an equal number of days when we'd trade each other just for faster WiFi. 

I also know so many moms have genuinely agonizing stories about raising their older daughters, and my heart truly breaks for them.

But you’re supposed to write what you know, and this is what I know so far: my answer to the “just wait until they get to be teenagers” comment should have been, “I’m looking forward to it.”

You Might Be the Mom of a Tween Girl If...

If you read one of my most popular posts (thank you for that, by the way!), you already know whether you're a home schooler or not, courtesy of the brilliant checklist written by my friend, Julie. 

Because I'm not a home schooler, I couldn't write about being one, which is why I brought in Julie with her wit and wisdom. What I can write about, other than how NOT to paint a bedroom floor, is being the mom of a tween girl. I've already been one with both my now-teen daughter (who are, thanks for asking, still speaking to me)

I love being the mom of girls--and of older girls in particular. (I need something to wear! I hate my entire wardrobe! But hey...here's a whole other wardrobe to consider!) 

In fact, I wrote a whole post about how much I love having daughters. I'm crazy about my girls and can hardly believe I get the incredible honor calling them mine.

But since the learning curve on this particular mom gig doesn't look like it's ever going to entirely straighten out, here’s what I'm finding to be true these days--and what might be true for you, too, if you are (or might someday be) the mom of a daughter between the ages of 8 and 12 who dwells in the strange and wonderful world of tweendom.

1. You've heard something like this come out of her mouth at some point: “I hate feelings. First, you’re a girl. Then you have all these feelings. It all gets really messy. The only thing that got me through the day was that I knew I looked really cute.”

2. If anyone needs you, you’ll be in the car. Driving her somewhere, or dropping her off somewhere, or waiting to pick her up somewhere.

3. If anyone needs your daughter, and she’s not at school or at one of the places you’ve driven her to, she’s probably in her room.

4. You blame the hormones. It’s the hormones. It's definitely the hormones.

5. You get it: middle-school cool is a powerful force. But wanting to fit in does not make your daughter any less of an independent, confident, unique individual who is secure in her own self worth. It just means that if her lunch “tote” isn’t acceptable, it’ll never see the light of day. (Or, as the case may be, the fluorescent lights of the cafeteria.)

6. Your daughter amazes, perplexes, awes, frustrates, delights, maddens, inspires, and charms you. Often all in the same 24 hours.

7. White tank tops and black hair ties are items you buy in bulk.

8. There are all the bobby pins that have ever been produced in the history of the world. There are all the bobby pins you’ve bought in the history of your family. There are all the bobby pins under the couch cushions and on the floor of the car and in the laundry. And then there are all the bobby pins you will ever actually be able to find on any given morning. Which is possibly two.

9. When you ask her if she has any math homework, you’ll really, really want the answer to be “no.”

10. Whatever your daughter is reading, it's quite possibly part of a trilogy that takes place in a futuristic dystopian society.

11. #OOTD is a thing. (“Outfit of the day,” apparently.)

12. You've got some ideas for tween versions of those children’s books you used to read to her when she was little. Alexandra Is 12, So Every Day Is a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, maybe, or Are You My Mother—And Can You Pretend You’re Not When We’re Out in Public? See also Love You Forever (Even Though I'm Not Entirely Certain How Much I Actually Like You Right Now).

13. You just don’t ask when your daughter spends 45 minutes choosing an outfit and comes out of her room wearing jeggings and a t-shirt. 

14. When she was a baby, you remember thinking you’d catch up on your sleep some day when she was older. Now you recognize that this is not that day. (See #4.)

15. You have accepted that life runs more smoothly if “it” is clean. Whatever “it” is.

16. What you can safely say on a school morning amounts to a pretty short list: 1)yes, I like your hair like that; 2)yes, I like that outfit; 3) yes, I can give you some money.

17. On the other hand, what you might not want to say, according my friend Cristina--wife, mom, educator, Thirty-One consultant, and veteran tween-girl mom--could include the following "depending on the day, time, age, position of the sun, moon, stars, and whether or not you've washed the right clothes or fixed the right meal":

• How was your day?
• Did you study for your test?
• What did you have to do for extra credit?
• How was practice?
• What did you do with [insert any friend's name] while you were at her house, while you were in your bedroom, while you were outside, etc.
• Will you please unload the clean dishes, switch the laundry, load the dishes, put your trash in the trash can, not leave an empty box in the pantry, put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher (especially when it's wide open), clean the bathroom, etc...

18. You see someone across a room and think, "Who is that gorgeous, tall girl?" And then you realize she is your gorgeous, tall girl.

19. You're quickly figuring out that sometimes “fine” means “fine.” And sometimes it doesn’t.

20. You're beyond grateful that ice cream therapy works.

21. Your phone has become a mirror. As in, "Can I borrow your phone so I can take a picture of the back of my hair to make sure it looks okay?"

22. Your tween says something and leaves the room. You and another family member look at each other in silent reference to whatever it was your tween just said. From the other room, she yells, "I can hear you two looking at each other about me!" 

23. You're learning that about 90 percent of tween girl drama is not something you need to get involved in or, even worse, worry yourself sick over. For the most part, it smooths itself out if you just ride it out. (You understand, of course, that taking dark chocolate along for that ride helps a lot.)

24. You've been told that you are "the best mother in the world" on account of late-night laundry service to wash The Only Pair Of Jeans That Will Work With Tomorrow's Outfit. You speed-dial your attorney and ask him to prepare some sort of binding document in which your daughter swears to the validity of this designation. Because you well understand that you are The Best Mom In the World...until you are The Worst Mom In the World.

25. You can't believe how fascinating and beautiful and smart and talented and interesting your daughter is, any more than you can imagine life without her.

Are you (or have you been) in the mom-of-a-tween-daughter club? Add an item to this post in a comment or over on Facebook! And if you're not there yet, know this: being the mom of a tween girl is absolutely something to look forward to. As for those moments when it's a little rocky, well...see#4.


This post may have been a guest at some of these parties that are perfect for introverts.