By the time I drag myself into the kitchen every weekday morning, my high-school junior is already sitting at the table, eating breakfast and starting in on her 64 ounces of total daily water consumption. This is after she’s gotten herself up via a two-level alarm system, gone through her daily stretching routine, and washed her face.
When I see her at the table, I always ask, “Do you need me to do anything for you?” And she almost always answers, “Nope, I think I’m good.”
When I see her at the table, I always ask, “Do you need me to do anything for you?” And she almost always answers, “Nope, I think I’m good.”
I’ve been trying to teach, advise, assist, and instruct myself right out of a job. I never was raising my babies to stay babies: I was always raising them to be future adults who would be able to care for themselves and others. (And also come home and visit me A LOT.)
And at the risk of sounding braggy, it looks like I’ve done a pretty good job of my job. (Actually, it’s almost entirely grace and the fact that my kids are wonderful all on their own. But I’ve tried to do my part the best I can.) My big kids are organized, determined, and trustworthy. They plan their own lives and manage those lives and generally run their own show. My role has shifted, as it should, from director to support staff.
But for all this independence, my children still need me.
For all their independence, our older kids still need their parents. For all their independence, our teenagers still need to be nurtured, cared for, and looked after.
Our teenagers need us to do things for them, sometimes, that they could do for themselves so that they have time and energy to do the things only they can.
They need us to remember how hard it is to be a teenager and to love them through that hard.
They need us to be a safe place they can come back to and be built up again when life has worn them down.
They need us to speak truth to them when their peers and their own minds tell them lies.
Our teenagers need us to do things for them, sometimes, that they could do for themselves so that they have time and energy to do the things only they can.
They need us to remember how hard it is to be a teenager and to love them through that hard.
They need us to be a safe place they can come back to and be built up again when life has worn them down.
They need us to speak truth to them when their peers and their own minds tell them lies.
They need us to comfort them.
They need us to cheer for them.
They need us to believe in them even when—especially when—they don’t believe in themselves.
They need us to show up.
They need us to listen.
They need us to let them vent without trying to fix anything.
They need us to cheer for them.
They need us to believe in them even when—especially when—they don’t believe in themselves.
They need us to show up.
They need us to listen.
They need us to let them vent without trying to fix anything.
They need us to help their still-under-construction brains think further down the road than they’re likely to on their own.
They need us to be steady when their moods are swinging all over the place.
They need us to walk with them through heartbreak and disappointment.
They need us to pay attention.
They need us to advocate for them.
They need us to reassure them that at a time in their lives when so much is changing, the things that matter most stay the same.
They need us to love them unconditionally
I see lots of social media posts from young parents lamenting the day when their infants and toddlers and little kids won’t need them any longer. But I’ve found that in many ways, our big kids actually need us more.
And this is a good thing: all their lives, we try to show our kids they can depend on us to meet their needs. So when those needs shift from the frequently physical to the mostly mental and emotional, we can only hope they still feel they can count on us. The fact that our older kids need us—and in deeper and bigger ways even than they did when they were little—does not mean we haven’t done our jobs. It does not mean we have failed as parents. It means we have succeeded at building trust and relationship, and that feels like the most important job of all.
They need us to be steady when their moods are swinging all over the place.
They need us to walk with them through heartbreak and disappointment.
They need us to pay attention.
They need us to advocate for them.
They need us to reassure them that at a time in their lives when so much is changing, the things that matter most stay the same.
They need us to love them unconditionally
I see lots of social media posts from young parents lamenting the day when their infants and toddlers and little kids won’t need them any longer. But I’ve found that in many ways, our big kids actually need us more.
And this is a good thing: all their lives, we try to show our kids they can depend on us to meet their needs. So when those needs shift from the frequently physical to the mostly mental and emotional, we can only hope they still feel they can count on us. The fact that our older kids need us—and in deeper and bigger ways even than they did when they were little—does not mean we haven’t done our jobs. It does not mean we have failed as parents. It means we have succeeded at building trust and relationship, and that feels like the most important job of all.
A version of this piece originally appeared on Grown and Flown.
I am definitely experiencing this with my daughters, and pray that I'll continue to meet these "needs" that they have!!
ReplyDeleteOh, Tracey, I have not one doubt you always will! You've invested in relationship over the years, and now you really get to start cashing your paycheck! Always a joy to hear from you! I hope you are well and settling into this new (in so many ways) season!
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